Layers

by nixandco

I see me and you and I see what you want me to be, how you want me to respond, but I can’t.

I won’t.

Not yet.

I want to be the first one to hug, to kiss, to touch, to brush my hand past you, rather than you past me. To show you physically that I care. But I can’t till I know.

I cannot be on trial.

Am not being tested.

Cannot be second.

Self preservation, protection and pride combine and hold me back.

Reign me in.

Ring my heart.

I want to give it to you but it is hurting and sore. It needs nurturing and care and building up. You are not ready to give it the attention it needs.

Not willing to dedicate.

Not fighting.

Not pursuing.

No winning back, nor nursing back to life.

So I keep it and we wait.

Maybe waiting for help to come, or waiting to help ourself.

So vulnerable with my backbone removed.

Wanting to be honest, but fighting to stay private.

To keep something back.

To retain some ammo.

Why should I be the only honest one, the only one with all their cards on the table?

The one with everything to lose and no reserve, no back up plan?

You know everything, I nothing.

Double vulnerable: Innocent and insecure.

The hint of a new dawn withdrawn daily with contact and coffee.

With comparision and withdrawals

The wakeful energy to see that dawn slipping and fading.

Every day another rejection. Every night echoing the day.

Half hearted, not whole hearted

Half present and half removed.

Halved:

Your love.

Your effort.

Your commitment.